Joy Ann Eger
December 12, 1968 - May 1, 2005

Joy A. Eger, age 36, of Coloma, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday Morning, May 1, 2005, at Wild Rose Community Memorial Hospital.

MY JOY Date:   5-26-05 By:   Patrick N. Eger

The loss of my wife is something that will never heal. It is a pain that no person can prepare for. It can never be imagined or duplicated. I am determined never to let her life be forgotten and will never let my love die.

For those of you who attended Joy’s funeral, I thank you for coming out to show your love for this world’s special person. Those at the funeral heard me stand up and say this:

For the week after the death of my wife, I was incredibly destroyed. I could not eat, could not sleep. All I could do is cry. My children and I put together a list of songs that meant something to us and to Joy. They played at the wake and at the graveside. A good friend of ours put the CD together for us and we call it “JOY”. Every morning I would get out of bed around 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. as I could not sleep. I would listen to this CD over and over again. I did not know it was possible for any human to have so many tears or be able to cry so much. I had all the usual questions for God, all the anger, but I also had so much pain because I lost something that was more special to me than even I could realize when I had her.

The morning of Joy’s funeral I put the CD in again and started listening to the songs and something strange happened. I am not trying to preach that I seen God, had a divine intervention or that Joy herself was there, but something happened. I was crying when I put the CD in. Each song on the CD has a meaning that not many people know. The first song “Forever and Ever Amen”’ was the song played at our wedding, “One More Day” you can all figure out, “The Perfect Fan” is a song that Brandon would sing at Karaoke to his mom, and she would cry, she loved it so. Several had personal meaning for Joy and I. “The Rose” was a song played at Joy’s mothers funeral and was a song she and her mother liked. My daughter loved it but we could never get Joy to sing this song because of its meaning to her. That song was now played at Joy’s funeral. “Stones” a song we recently enjoyed together held some very true meaning. “Every Light In The House Is On” as my daughter would say… we probably won’t leave them all on, but there will always be a light on in case Joy can come home. And “After the Loving” I sang it at Karaoke to Joy sometimes, but sang it at home a lot. I will explain more later.

This morning I put the CD in and it started to play our wedding song. A short way into the song I caught myself with a small laugh. I was visioning Joy and I dancing to this song together. She always used to try to turn it into a Polka and lead. I used to scold her telling her, the woman does not lead in a two step and it was not a polka. She tried to turn every country song into a polka when we danced. I then started to think about our life together and some beautiful times I had not thought about in years. I thought about how we met. Our dates, walking on the beach in Florida with her as a teenager, intimate moments, our marriage, having children, vacations, life struggles and pretty much all of our life together. I got so caught up in our memories that I never heard many of the songs. Suddenly I heard one. It was a song that by now I thought I hated. It was the last song I sang to her. A song that I used to sing at home and dance in the living room with her to with no music. This song rang in my head for the whole week every time I closed my eyes and I could not get it out. This morning however the song "After the Loving” gave me a different feeling. I remembered singing it to her and dancing to it with her and her smile. At home when I would sing this, I would stroke her cheek as she never had hair to brush back from her eyes. Sometimes I would sing just parts of it when I held her in bed, as she slept.

Suddenly I had strength I did not have earlier. I hit repeat on this song and got in the shower. All these thoughts came to my head and I got out and wrote them down quick. That is how I got the strength to stand in front of all of her family and friends and say this. The thoughts came pouring in as if Joy was helping send a message to her friends and family.

No man anywhere could ever convince me that he loved his spouse more than I loved Joy. It may be possible but I could never believe it. I did not just love her… I am still in love with her. It does not matter if anyone else believes this or not, if you were close to us, you could see it. Joy knew it, I knew it, our kids knew it … and God Knew it. Joy and I and the kids were not shy about telling each other “I love you”. We never left the house, hung up the phone or went to bed without saying it. And we said it many times a day. I have a 16 year old son and a 14 year old daughter who still kiss mom and dad and tell us “I love You”. That is a loving family. The feeling can not be put into words.

I stood for hours the day before at Joy’s wake talking to family and friends. Some 800 of you came to say good bye to Joy that night alone. My children and I came early to spend time just the four of us, as we had been doing in the days before the wake. We had about cried out when the guests started to come. I ended up standing at the door talking to many of you as you passed. It made me happy to see all the people that loved “My Joy”. It was easy to do because she was so lovable. Everyone that knew Joy…loved her. Many of her family told me that I should be happy because I gave her a great life. This is not the case…Joy gave me a great life. She was 100% devoted to me whether I was right or wrong. We had trials in life, like everyone has. We got through them and she stuck by me and I by her. In family affairs Joy and I were one, regardless of whose family we were at odds with. We had decided after some trials we had during my time in service that from then on, it was the four of us first. No matter what happened we had taken a vow and we would stick to that. The four of us would be one, against any and all things.

We did a lot together. Pool, golf, softball, etc. We went to each other events and watched and cheered each other on. Not because we did not trust each other, but because we liked to be together. We were lovers, partners and most of all “best friends”. She wanted me by her, and I wanted her to be by me.

The morning Joy passed was the most horrific experience anyone could ever go through. It was unbelievable and no way anyone can ever imagine what it is like. A night that seemed normal on the outset, just exploded into unbelief and something that was like it was out of a horror flick. I begged God to help us save her. My son dialed 9-11 for me while I gave her CPR. Then he joined me and helped. We both pleaded hard but God did not answer us. I tried to sell my soul to Satan that morning to trade places with her. That did not work either. Never in my life did I think I would do that… but for Joy, I tried, but he did not show. Our faith tells us Joy is in a better place and talks of how beautiful heaven is. So this morning I pictured Joy standing half way between her broken and painful body and heaven where her grandparents and her mom were reaching out to her from a place with no pain, and God standing there with his arms open. Why would she want to come back? And really my reasons for wanting her back are all selfish. It is for me and the kids. How can I want the love of my life to walk away from heaven to come back to her pains just to make me smile again? Yes, I still pray every night to have one more day or 5 more minutes to tell her how much I love her and kiss her one more time. I still talk to her every day and so do the kids, but we know now she is not coming back.

Many of you did not know the things happening to Joy in past year or so. She was not full of Cancer like the rumors have said. She was not on drugs or alcohol. But her body had been giving her trouble and every time she went in to get something checked out… they found another. She was not even telling us all the doctors appointments anymore. She would go from work and then return to work. Some appointments I found out about only because the clinic called here to confirm the appointment and I answered the phone. She used to tell us she did not want to burden us or make us sad until she knew what was going on. After time we started to let her have her privacy. Some nights she was in lots of pain and all I could do was hold her when she would let me. It was not every night…but the nights she had it were off the scale of what this little girl could handle. I could only sit and pray during those times and hold her or rub her back telling her how much I loved her until the pain passed. But she was so brave, and continued to smile for all of us every day. So how could I want her to come back to this just so I could be happy again?

We will all remember Joy’s infectious smile and her kindness to everyone in all walks of life. Those silly looks she would give us when we would tease her or say something off the wall. Joy smiled for me the night before this happened. She smiled when I sang “After the Loving“ to her. I did not know at the time that this would be her last sleep I was singing her to.

Many times in our marriage I would pray for so called “miracles” for things I wanted. I did not realize my miracle was laying right there next to me the whole time. I am still in love with Joy, and I know she is in heaven with her mom watching over me and the kids. God gave me a great gift for over 18 years. The greatest gift I could have ever hoped for. I do not know the reason God left me here and took Joy, and I was angry that he took someone so good and left… me. But now I realize, Joy deserved to go to heaven. I do not know what my mission is here yet, but I am looking for it. I trust that God and Joy are with me and will help me make the right decisions. When this all happened I did not want to live any more without Joy, but when this morning came the pain in my heart changed. I still miss her and I still cry for her, but the pain is different. Joy did take me on a one way trip to the sun. She gave me a journey that any man would be lucky to travel.

I hope all of you can reflect on Joy’s life and remember the things she did for you that made you smile. I hope when you reflect you can get that same warm feeling I got that morning. I was extremely happy to see so many people come out to give Joy one last big day… just for her. Thank you for helping celebrate her life.

When I gave this speech it came from inside me from a place I did not even know I had until then. I do not know what moved me from my seat to the front of the church or helped me keep it together to give the speech to you, but I did. Many people have tried to say in comfort, “I understand how you must feel”. You can’t. You would have to have lost your soul mate in the prime of their life just when all the plans you had were starting to come together to know. I only know a couple people who can tell they understand and I know they do. Still it is said in comfort and I do appreciate it. Joy and I talked at times about the “what if’s”. Mostly preparing her for what if something happened to me. No matter how much you try, no matter how good your imagination is, this can not be imagined or explained. There is a genuine pain in the heart that feels like an actual knife. It feels everyday like you are going to have a heart attack. The heart feels heavy and feels like there is a huge hole in it. I now look back and realize that I loved her many times more than even I could understand at the time. It is not until such loss that you can see that. A friend of mine who has also experienced this used the words “Life Shattering Events” That is a great summation. Inside it is like 9-11 happened right here in Coloma, screaming chaos and it is not going away. It is an explosion that keeps exploding. The kids are not in any better shape so when I describe this, it is for all three of us. I have a 14 year old little girl who needs her mommy, and a son who had a mother -son relationship any mother would be jealous of. They were friends too. We comfort each other but knowing we ourselves are sick inside. But we know that Joy is watching over us and we are grateful at all the things we did with her while she was here. We did more things as a family than some people ever get to dream of, so we packed in a lifetime in 18 years. If I knew right now I could start over but I would have to feel this hurt again…I would marry Joy in a heart beat and I would not miss a beat. There are a lot of things more I would do but I would not leave out anything. That is one message I am sure God is trying to get to all of us who are left. Live each day like this is your second chance. All the things you would do over…do them right now. Because when the end comes, it can not be undone and you will not get a second chance.

Joy and I were often criticized for all the traveling and vacations. When we met we planned our children’s names right away and decided to have our children right away to raise them up while we were young enough to do things with them. Then when they would grow old enough to do their own things, Joy and I would be able to travel just the two of us. We did travel with the kids a lot. I have never been so glad for that as I am now. We did everything we could afford to do all the time. It is not as hard as one would think. Give up smoking and a weekly bar tab and you can take a family to Disney World or on a cruise every year.

Joy and I used to have actual conversations about our friends who were getting divorced and splitting up. When you marry someone you take a vow. When things get tough, think about that vow. Shut everyone else out and focus on the family and God. The outside influences are the distraction that Satan puts there for you so you do not focus. If you always remember that your spouse is your Partner and your best friend you can work through anything. Treat each other as “best friends”. “Best friends” fight, and they make up. What is funny is that two people can be married, get divorced and still have a best friend outside the marriage that is still with them. If you give that sort of respect and treatment to the spouse you will still be there together. “Best Friends”…not just husband and wife.

Another thing we talked about is all the folks that say, next year we will go on a trip, two years we still go on a cruise…etc. Joy and I always said you never know what could happen. Although we were always figuring it would be me that went, I now know how important today is. You do not know that there is going to be a tomorrow or a next hour for that matter. You can go to bed like you always do and wake up without a partner. What good then is a big 401k or a stock portfolio? You can plan for your retirement together and never make it that far. I am not saying don’t plan for that, but not to the extent that you do not do things together now.

Take another look at your spouse for Joy and I. Think of how quick it can happen, and remember those vows. You made a promise to God and to each other. So when the troubles come…close all the doors and focus on the core family. Joy and I did. We had a period that could have caused us to go the way of many of our friends’ marriages. But we closed the doors even to parents and family (in some times especially parents). Sometimes in those trials, parents although they mean well take sides and drive the wedge deeper. All you need is each other and faith. We stayed together because we knew we loved each other when we got married so it still had to be there. We forgave each other and left the past in the past. After that I can be quite honest when I say our love grew every day. Every single day of my life I loved her more. I did not know it was possible, but it is.

That love is in all of us, we just let today’s world cover it up on us. If the experience I had to endure will save one marriage or make one couple take another look at each other and try…then that may very well have been what God kept me here for. I am making sure my kids get this message as well. They will one day be married and they must learn to focus on that marriage and be “Best Friends”. Don’t bank on tomorrow, do what God asks today, because tomorrow may not come. Trust me … I know.

Please leave your thoughts about Joy on this site, pictures and memories of someone who was so properly named “JOY”. We will screen these and will not allow any derogatory things on here. This page is about a good person and it will be kept happy.

Thanks for coming, thanks for sharing; I hope you find your best friend.

Patrick Eger